Friday, July 1, 2011


One day on Halloween, I decided to fuck with the major retard at school when I came out of science for break. He was dressed as Ash. Knowing this was going to happen, I brought a Mudkips doll. Thus I started the conversation, making sure no one saw me.  “So I heard you like Mudkips…”
“O RLY? So, would you ever fuck a Mudkips, that is..” (I step away from the mic to breathe in) “OF COURSE.”  “Well I just happen to have a Mudkips here, and.”  Before I finished the sentence, which would have resulted in me hitting him across the face with the doll, he grabbed it. In one swift motion his pants were down and he was violently humping it. Not to get between a man and his Mudkips, I started to walk away, because there is no way I’d be caught wrestling a half-naked crazy guy humping a Mudkips.  Needles to say, within 5 to 10 seconds, some girls saw him and started screaming. I coolly walked into a restroom, pretending nothing had ever happened; not that I had intended that outcome, but now that it was in play I didn’t want to be involved.
I came back two minutes later, and like any wanton act on school grounds there was now a huge crowd round him. He was still fucking it and baying this real fucked up ‘EEEEEEEEEEINNNNF EEEEEEEEEEINNNF’ sound. Suddenly a scuffle broke out in the middle, meaning he probably did something stupid.  I asked someone what had happened. A girlfriend of one of the football players tried to get him to stop, but he bit her for trying to take it away. Someone called in a few football players (all dressed up like Road Warrior) who proceeded to pummel the shit out of the guy. Meanwhile the school police were freaking out and having trouble getting in to the situation.
A few minutes later the intruder alarm went off and we were shuffled into classrooms. Over the intercom the principal announced that someone had thrown a flaming plush toy into the library. Uh.. what the hell.  So we were kept there and about 30 minutes later the principal came on again. This time he was saying that whoever was behind the beating should turn themselves in. All of a sudden this woman began yelling “I WILL SUE YOU FOR DAMAGES. YOU LITTLE PUNKS, I’M GONNA SUE…” and it was cut off.
I asked an office later what had happened. Apparently his mother had come to pick him up and threatened to sue for the beating and ‘whatever else happened.’ The school threatened to counter-sue because of lewd conduct, inciting a riot, and starting a fight. My mom got scared and said, “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby, “Yo Holmes, smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

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