Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Horrible Saga of SWAP.avi (review of one of the most horrifying, disgusting videos to ever exist)
At a Glance: SWAP.avi. It is always written in those terrible capital letters, as though the filename itself is screaming at you in startled horror. It can only be expressed aloud as the strangled cry of a sailor who has just spotted an iceberg looming out of fog or the trails of compressed air on the ocean's surface that lead back to a lurking U-boat. It is both warning and epitaph. It is a sun-bleached skeleton in a hanging cage. It is a thieving child's severed head nailed to the wall above the jars of sweet pickled plums in a candied fruit shop. SWAP.avi is not so much a pornographic video as it is a death, final and uncompromising.
Nation of Origin: Brazil, where hearts were entertaining June, you'll stand beneath an amber moon and blow out the back of your head with a 10 gauge shotgun.
Languages: English and the blasphemous flatus expelled by the godless walking asses of the Brasilianjungle primeval.
Sexual Content: Imagine if the Holocaust was a 63 minute long video about pooping. Now imagine your mother drowning in a bathtub full of diarrhea. This is the sexual content of SWAP.avi.
Lesson: the Chinese may land on the moon.

There are moments in American history when a single event, the news of which is propagated by means of 
television, radio and the Internet, has provoked a dramatic shift in the zeitgeist. One would assume that this phenomenon of sudden and often unexpected cultural upheaval is not unique to the United States, as other nations are also composed of humans with similar (although slightly smaller and more horrid) hands, faces and brains.

Every American alive at the time remembers the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the faked video of the moon landing and the recent tragedy of 9/11. As the news of these events spread it became apparent that in those scant seconds the world had changed. No longer did JFK regale Americans with tales of his sexual conquests and attempt to convert bewildered children to the ancient cult of the Catholics. No longer could we sleep in our beds at night assured that the cosmic seeds of Chinamen would never find purchase in alien soil. No longer could we cling to the illusory belief that our skyscrapers were immune to the fell mischief of Loki.

Many of you were probably alive during the events of 9/11/2001 and many of you are probably Americans. If you were not alive yet or you are not an American then I salute you for your ability to read American and suggest you skip past the next paragraph or perhaps amuse yourself by placing an entire set of keys in your mouth.

For those of you from Odin's country, I ask you to recall those hours after you witnessed the ruinous work of the Trickster upon Manhattan's skyline. Recall the stunned daze as you shuffled about your tasks or stared numbly at the televisor screen in your habicube. Remember the way the very earth beneath your feet seemed to sway and shift, as though it were the deck of a longboat crossing the vast gulf of the Atlantic. You were adrift and fearful of this grim absence of certainty called "the future", willing to cling to strange comforts such as magnetic flags and George Bushes.

If this introduction seems to have strayed into the realm of unrestrained melodrama, let me assure you it is only due to the gravity of my subject matter. Today we will be discussing the origins, history, reality and consequences of SWAP.avi, the worst pornographic video ever created. By the end of this article you will have experienced, at best, one of the world-changing moments I have alluded to and, at worst, you will spontaneously combust.

Gentle readers, you have been warned. To proceed is to cast caution to the wind and jeopardize the touch-paper of your sanity to an unquenchable fire of tumult. Whether you are frail and weak-willed or hale and sound of mind, the advice remains the same; turn back before you learn that which cannot be unlearnt.

 It took no cackling Broxa, fat with heart's milk, to interpret the red crescent moon that held solitary court in the starless sky that cold night of January 19th. The moon, gazing down like the baleful eye of some one-eyed and half-sleeping daemonic cat, was an ill-omen of the highest and most terrible order.

It was the sort of portentous night on which a murderous barbarian ruler might be born on the frozen steppe of Yakutsk or the caged man-ape pet of a Hungarian gypsy might at last overpower its elderly owner and leap from rooftop to rooftop in the slums of Budapest seeking out a child's blood to slake its thirst.

Neither locale concerns this narrative, for it was on this night in the year of our great berserker lord 2000 and four, entirely within the confines of this most transient of provinces, that the scheme that would one day result in SWAP.avi was first unveiled. Dear reader, I am vexed to say that it was on the forums for this very website that this sad saga begins.

His name was Metis and he took his name, presumably, from the Titaness wife of Zeus and posthumous mother of Athena. Through his unsavory and peculiar interests, Metis had learned that a company located in Brazil offered a custom video service. Brazil is a simple nation of mossy troglodytes, unfettered by the laws and scruples which restrain we Americans from the savage jungle apes. There was no vestige of civilization to stand in the way of their profit. The Brazilians were willing to subject themselves to all manner of humiliation and debasement, to be acted out exactly as specified and recorded for posterity.

Before bringing the idea of hiring the Brazilians up on our forums, Metis sent a letter of inquiry to the video service:
"I've read the rules for requesting a movie to be made, and it said that if I have a fetish that is different from what is offered, you may be able to talk to the directors and work something out. I got a great idea while watching some scat movies recently: scat swapping. This would basically be a movie where one woman's ass is penetrated by fingering and tonguing and fisting to make her anus very loose. A third woman will pull her anus open further and hold it open, meanwhile the second woman, the scat-giver, shits in the first woman's open ass. The woman whose ass has been shit in will then shit the scat-giver's shit back out, and everyone will eat it. If possible, I would also like it if the women were able to vomit in the woman's ass along with the shit, or afterwards, so that the vomit could also be shit out and eaten. Please get back to me and let me know if this is something you can accomplish in a video, and if so, how much it would cost. Thank you!"
Metis posted a thread on our otherwise entirely honorable and respectable forums explaining his situation and offering to sell many of his possessions in order to raise money to have the video made. He was met with a wall of revulsion and confusion, peppered with a fair number of otherwise goodly folk who thought Metis to simply be on a twisted lark. This video would never be made, they believed, so why not indulge in a bit of fantasy of the grotesque? The most common question posed to Metis was "why?" or its more colorful variation, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"
At last, Metis replied:
"I like scat because it's demeaning to women in a sexual way; it makes them subordinate to the extreme because eating shit is the worst thing anyone can do besides cannibalism. Even look back to Greek/Roman writings, the Bible even; there's scat in comical and also dramatic senses - it's always been there; it's one of the most disgusting taboos, and sometimes I like to get off to the depravity of a woman who is willing to swallow someone's shit."
The conversation swirled for nine pages, with Metis finding nearly as many supporters and curiosity-seekers as he found detractors. After less than a day, Metis announced that he had received a response from the Brazilian custom video company.
"A scat movie with 2 girls costs US$350 plus shipping and you can pay US$ 150 for additional girl. This is the price for you make your own video. What do you think about it? Please let me know..."
Be at peace and without fear, while it is still possible. 

The game was afoot and Metis began to gather financial contributions from various forum members. One can condemn such men as fools or degenerates, but to do so ignores the innate human drive to witness the impossible. In the na├»ve pre-SWAP.avi world such a video seemed well beyond the realm of reason. 

Those poor deluded souls who contributed to the fund perhaps envisioned some effort akin to an expedition to find a rune-covered Paleolithic obelisk in the remnants of a sunken city. It was an opportunity to enrich the world of proper men and expand the horizons of knowledge to encompass a woman pooping into another woman's butthole.

After dozens of pages and many suggestions about what should be included in the video, Metis at last announced that the arrangements had been made and the video was going to be produced. The thread continued for many more pages, dragging on until February 11th with little indication that the video would be forthcoming. Accusations of fraud began to surface. If only these accusations were true. Metis defended himself, claiming that he had sent the money to the mysterious Brazilians and that he was harassing them as much as possible about producing the video.

After 60 pages, one of our administrators by the name of Ozma closed the thread.

By this point, Metis had repeatedly run afoul of the administrators, who questioned his repeated requests for money and hyper-defensive attitude. Many of the people who had donated money to his scat movie effort had begun to complain to the administrators, seeking some sort of compensation for their loss. Metis, apparently oblivious to his rapidly depleting fecal cachet with the staff of the Something Awful forums, reposted his original thread and continued to solicit more donations. After thirteen pages, this thread was closed on March 9th of 2004 and Metis was permanently banished for various related and unrelated offenses.

Nearly everyone involved presumed Metis to be a fraud. His bizarre scam was at its end and that chapter on the forums was closed.

On March 30th of 2004, another poster by the name of Cannibal created a thread at the request of Metis to make an earth-shattering announcement.
Metis' Scat Swap video HAS been made
It got made. The company sent Metis 20 preview pics of the video, and it's soon to be finished and distributed. Goon phrases made it into the movie as per requests.
Cannibal included 20 images taken from the video and the forums erupted in chaos. The images were worse than any mortal man had believed possible and the Empyrean itself seemed to quake in their presence. I do not know which twenty images were excerpted from the video, but as someone in possession of the entire accursed work I doubt there are twenty frames without feces.
Six pages and only about 30 minutes later Cannibal's thread was closed. The subject of the video had already become a shameful stain on the administration of the forums and none wanted to see this terrible scheme come to fruition.
The subject had nearly been forgotten when, in June of 2004, a poster going by the moniker "The_Onion" started a new thread. On the 25th of June he wrote:
Scat Swapping porn. Metis video has arrived. SCAT
Here you go! It's pretty disgusting and my friends actually started punching me when I put it on at a party. You have been warned. I apologize for unleashing this upon the world!
Sorry but I couldn't do the credits. I just didn't have time and when I sent out emails to other goons who paid for this thing no one responded saying they could do it either so you just get the basic rip. I have a DVD copy of it and there was a goon (I don't remember who it was) that offered to make copies of it to sell to people. I don't know if he is still interested but if not you can post in this thread or PM me and maybe we can work something out.
Comedy gold, forever ruined. Oh and if for some reason you are really dense: this is SCAT PORN of the worst kind. We are talking shit eating, shitting into asses only to have the shit shoved in further by shit covered hands, vomit, and shit smeared everywhere. This is not for the faint of heart.
Enjoy. :)
The first person to post in the thread, Ingwit_Agenbite, probably best captured the reaction to the news of the video's availability:
oh fucking no
Thus ends the story of the origins of SWAP.avi. I am now obligated by the Masonic Order of Porn Reviewers to subject myself to a viewing of the video. My review will be as thorough as possible. However, as I will likely be spending a good deal of time hunched over a bucket expelling the last traces of liquid in my stomach, it will most likely be a series of thoughts and shorthand observations with little narrative structure.


Firsthand Account
The film opens with the deceptively peaceful imagery of computer-generated birds taking flight above computer-generated landscapes. A swallow soars over vineyards. SCAT SWAPPING SCHOOL SWALLOW. Is there some relation between the bird and the title? I put it out of my mind.


Three women are sitting at school desks and a fourth woman is standing up as if she is their teacher. Why are there Mickey Mouse dolls leaned up against the wall?

The teacher has been writing catchprases from Something Awful on the chalkboard with chalk. She has written "Pak Chooie Unf" from Lowtax's famous Space Robot Bonanza prank on the chalkboard. I don't know what the exact opposite emotion to ecstatic would be, but I'm fairly sure that emotion would be Lowtax's reaction to hearing the news.

She's dropped the chalk. I think it's about to start.

They are all disrobing. Each of them is ugly in their own unique way. I take some small consolation from the fact that nothing beautiful will be ruined by this video.

The teacher has a finger up her butt. They seem very excited about this.

The girls are taking turns on the teacher's butthole with fingers and tongues. I don't feel sick yet, although I feel a general malaise.

One of the girl's fingers is caked in feces. She is licking it off with feigned joy. Her acne reminds me of the texture of an oil painting.

The teacher's distended anus is thrust skyward and aimed by hand. A girl squats over her. This is the dolorous stroke.

It began so suddenly I scarcely had time to gag. Serpentine coils of battery brown, here and there a nut or piece of corn, heaped high on the teacher's anus. Between smiles and giggles they look as if they might cry. Perhaps it is my imagination. I am shaken.

They are feeding huge handfuls to one another. Their eyes roll back and they gag. The earth has cracked open and hell flows out in a great brown river.

It is smeared all over their faces and breasts. They swallow with effort. The sound is like applying paste slowly and carefully to the back of a construction-paper owl. I see myself in their eyes. We want to die.

They're trying to load the feces back into one of the girl's buttholes. It's everywhere by now. The way a fog blankets the hills of a village in Basque. I see a lone goat, a bell jangling around its neck. It bleats and leaps into the air, exploding in a welter of 98 degree shit. I do not vomit.

They're caked with filth. It must smell like an abattoir in that tiny room. Innards and death. I vomit without looking away. I feel linked to them. I must endure. Is it possible to die from looking at something?

A woman is defecating an immense, gnarled, mahogany log. I laugh despite the tangy snot oozing from my nose and the vomit matting my beard. Through some biological oddity the woman is expelling trapped liquid through a small channel in the middle of the turd as it emerges from her rectum. It is as if a cobblestone phallus is dropping from her bowel to urinate. I see nature in all its myriad splendors.


Almost over, yet each second seems an eternity. My empathy for these women has evaporated. Too much indignity, too great a volume of feces passed from one colon to the next. I no longer see them as human. They are pale apes covered in argil. Their simian brains are insufficient for the task of comprehending their transgressions against Odin. I want to dash their heads open with a rock.

One has just vomited a great quantity of watery red lumps on the backside of another. Vomit seems so innocent. I feel a strange urge to protect it from them. Preserve it as a taboo for less terrible peoples.

They are now all covered in shit and vomiting into one another's mouths, like mother birds that have absent-mindedly built their nests in the skim tanks of a waste treatment plant. "I nourish you," I imagine them saying to one another. Somewhere pus issues from a teet into the mouth of a babe, rancid and sour, corrupting what it touches. This taint spreads of its own accord.

They're laughing. It's over. I check my revolver but I have fired off my last cartridge at an Indian I caught eating a discarded shoe from my trash. I place the pistol to my temple and pull the trigger anyway. One of them seems to be crying. Click. Click. Click.

This is what I have seen. I have taken a few pictures to share with you. If you have made it this far into this abominable article then you are most likely determined to see this endeavor through. Go ahead and view the images, but be warned that they become progressively worse. View them at your own peril.


I have little else to add to this description other than to place it in the context of my larger viewing experience. Beyond what I have reviewed in this column over the years I have also seen videos of murders carried out in great detail, videos of horses having sex with people to the point of death and all manner of urination, vomit and live-eel related video. While many of the videos I have just listed are rather unpleasant, none approaches the sheer squalor of this video. It is seemingly endless in duration and each new second brings with it a new horror. Make no effort to find SWAP.avi. Make no attempt to download it for "a laugh". It will change you in ways you will not fully understand for at least a decade.

The Horror: This video is one constant shrill scream of horror. The first minute or so may fool you into thinking it is simply disgusting or grotesque, but by the 15-minute mark you will be reaching for the nearest object that can be forced into your brain through your eye socket. The one exception to this is if you are Metis.

The Bottom Line: Thomas Paine once wrote of the American Revolution, "these are the times that try men's souls". In the rearview mirror of history his words seem quaint. Through heartache and strife, Thomas Paine was never subjected to the shameful crucible of psychic horror that is SWAP.AVI. May Odin have mercy on our souls, for this file will not.

Depravity:- INFINITY
Originality:- INFINITY
Erotic Value:- INFINITY
Overall:- INFINITY
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).



1 comment:

  1. I watched it with some friends of mine. It was no big deal. Shit and stuff are natural things, you know. Things like burning a man alive like arabians relegious fanatics do are much worse, they are real horrible, so chill out.